Sunday, September 6, 2009

Getting Pee On Your Pants When You Technically Didn't Pee Your Pants (Usually Via Shake-Negligence)

Yeeeeaaahhhh- this is the kind of awkward damage shake-negligence can cause:

Every single guy knows what I'm talking about. Most of us have heard the maxim "shake it more than three times and you're playing with it" referring to the shaking of our ding-dongs after peeing (which is done to make sure we got it all out). Well I say, shake it less than three times and you're taking a serious risk of some pee drippage. It's one of the most chafing and disappointing feelings out there. Most of us have dealt with this problem enough times in our lives that we usually perform an unnecessary high number of shakes just to be certain we got it all out. However, being human, sometimes we forget. Or there might be someone waiting behind us at the urinal and we don't want him to think we're trying to get a quick jerk in before returning to work or the lovely cocktail party. So we put it away, after enjoying our pleasant release of fluid, zip up our fly, and flush the urinal. Before we even have time to turn around we can feel it. It usually begins to crawl (if you're wearing briefs), like a snake along our underwear, seeping into any available space and sometimes (in more dramatic scenarios) our legs. With boxers it shows no mercy and drips directly onto the pants. Brutal. The problem is as soon as we realize we didn't shake enough, it's too late.

This guy was definitely trying the dabble-it-with-water method which always tends to backfire:
Another part of the issue, is the obviously quite awkward appearance it can leave. Most of the time enough pee seeps out that one can see it on the outside of our pants: needless to say it appears exactly where it would appear if we peed our pants from lack of bladder control (so there's no way to tell the difference). So you go to the sink and shamelessly dabble some water on there with a paper towel while people give you weird looks wondering if you pissed your pants. Well that may be all well and good for sanitary purposes and getting the actual pee stain out (somewhat) but it only exacerbates the 5-year-old I-just-pissed-my-pants look. I think it's a better option to just man up and face the music for 20 minutes until it dries up. The worst part about it (in my opinion), is every stride you take you can feel the slight wetness where you know it shouldn't be, reminding you of when you were 5 years old and trying to hide it from your friends. Every stride you take is a sick reminder of the shame that is you almost (but not technically) pissing your pants.

It really becomes an interesting question of whether or not you technically peed your pants. I mean if you  define peeing your pants by the letter of the law, exactly what the phrase says, you did just that. You got your own pee on your pants (from the inside too). Maybe the definition should be amended to include the phrase "due to lack of bladder control" in which case you might be in the safe. However, it's worth noting that in some drastic instances of shake-negligence, more pee comes out than if one were to accidently lose bladder control and really pee his pants, making this scenario perhaps worse than peeing your pants. (I say it's still worse to pee your pants because of the shame involved- at least when you get pee on your pants due to shake-negligence it's understood that this happens to every guy once in a while)

Tell me you wouldn't have trouble taking this guy seriously in a conversation:
Also, having liquids spilled on you at a party or somewhat formal social function is always awkward, especially when it's fortunate enough to land in the crotch area (see Liam Neeson meeting with his colleague above). Your only option is basically to make a little joke out of it to each group of people you interact with. Otherwise, although many will give you the benefit of the doubt that you can still control your bladder at age [insert age here], some will assume the worst and carry on a conversation with much difficulty maintaining eye contact and taking you seriously.

PS: A friend of mine pissed his pants in front of his friends for $20. Respect.